"'Cause I'm Nasty for You": Being Bobby Brown Episode 4

Niggerdom 301: "Work me Over", Or, I Know I Own Your Penis, but I'd Really Like it if You Would Use it on Me










When we last left our nig, Mr. Brown, his mate, niggerous ghettois diva had completely and thoroughly "dephallused" him during their trip to England. Like a female praying mantis murdering her partner after copulation, our diva struck quickly; some would regard her actions as "feminist," but that's neither here nor there.

As we returned to our observations, the primary question was, "How will our nig recover from the embarrassment of last week's episode?" In other words, where can he locate his penis? Our nig did not make us wait for his answer. How does any male prove his worth when his masculinity has been brought into question? Why hunting, of course.

"I got a few misdemeanors."
As the episode begins, one thing becomes apparent: our nig, an urban boy from Roxbury, Boston, MA has never been camping. He gathers his pack--father, brother, nephew, son--and heads to a locale that will assuredly prepare him to hunt his prey.

If we have learned anything from our nig, it's that he likes to spend his (mate's) money. When he enters the store-- a cornucopia of sports gear at every turn--our nig warns his young son and namesake, Bobby Beresford Brown, Jr., "Don't steal anything." (Did we not predict that black male criminality would be the focal point of each episode?) Our nig tells store clerks he needs everything for this 24-hour excursion in the Georgia woods; from snowboards to tents to a deep fryer, in our nig's eyes, nearly every item in the store becomes a necessity. Especially guns.

Now who knows if it's hunting season, or what exactly our nig and his pack plan to hunt. Whatever the case, our nig must observe, shoot, point, cock every gun in the store. From rifles to berettas, our nig tries several on for size. He decides to buy a few, and the clerk informs him that he needs to fill out some paperwork and do a background check. "Uh oh," says our nig. "I got a few misdemeanors." Check the score: Team Criminality 2; Our Nig 0.


"Ohhhhh the Lord is good to me/and so I thank the Lord/For giving me the things I need/the sun, the rain, and the appleseed..."
Clad in army fatigues and boots, our nig, his father, underling Tommy, son, and nephew embark on what we shall call a "male bonding excursion," for a night in the woods away from their noveau riche, extravagant lifestyle. Spending the afternoon pitching tents--seemingly without directions--the younger members of the pack (son and nephew) struggle with the equipment while their grandfather, affectionately known as Pops, entertains and taunts them simultaneously by passing gas and speaking about things of insignificance--we believe our nig's species would call this "talking shit." Whatever the case, the day ends rather uneventfully, and the pack winds down by the campfire singing a medley of our nig's greatests hits, including Pops' favorite, "Tenderoni...roni."

"Fiiiiiiiyah"
The next morning, the pack continues with their male bonding with a variety of activities around the campsite (riding bikes, blowing up plastic boats with air, etc.), until they are interrupted by several phone calls by our nig's wife, the seemingly omnipresent ghettois diva. Though it is a bright and beautiful day, ghettois diva sounds belligerent and upset on the line, claiming to have missed our nig dearly though he and the pack have only been out hunting for less than 24 hours. She misses him so much that she threatens to interrupt our nig's male bonding session by coming to the campsite. Though our nig circumvents giving his mate his specific location, his underling succumbs to the pressure, and soon after ghettois diva arrives with her two cubs.

Dressed in a "wife beater," jeans, and the usual Star Jones' line wig and visor, ghettois diva and her young invade the all-male campsite, immediately making their presence known. Our diva and our nig share an amorous reunion, kissing sloppily in between phrases that intimate our diva's desire for coitus behind a tree.

The behavior we've grown to expect to see between our nig and our diva continues throughout the day. They kiss and talk in the plastic boat out on the lake until our diva gets tired of their aquatic adventure, and demands that our nig "dock that shit"--for her unsuccessful and erratic effort to bring the small boat back to shore is humorous at best. Their duet of the Ohio Players song "Fire"as our diva takes over the feminine domestic duty of cooking our nig's "kill" on a grill is absolutely priceless and a great asset to our research. (Mmmmmm...I smell hamburgers!) They even show teamwork and loyalty when threatened by a predator. Gazing out upon the lake, a white male approaches our nig and our diva in his aquatic vehicle. Albeit delayed, he recognizes our nig as someone he has perhaps seen on television, and reprimands him for his arrest for driving under the influence of alcohol. Undaunted, our nig offers to buy the white male's aquatic vehicle. But the white male scoffs at the offer, claiming that our nig couldn't write a big enough check. Immediately our diva chimes in, defending her mate by telling the white male he "doesn't know who the hell [he's] talking to." As expected, the white male regards such words as empty, and immediately solicits our diva, as if we have somehow been transferred back to an antebellum moment:

there our nig stands in the field next to his mate. the white male, atop his aquatic horse if you will, gazes upon the couple and disciplines the male. powerless in the presence of another male, our nig "chooses" to ignore the reprimand, and his mate tries to cover for his tenuous masculinity. this goes unnoticed, however, and the white male immediately relegates our diva to a sexual object, and offers to take her for a ride...

Whatever the case, the couple walks away from the racially-loaded situtation, and returns to their favorite pastime: eating. This time, our nig tries his hand at cooking. and even when armed with Lawry's Seasoned Salt and gallons of K.C. Masterpiece (two flavors innate to the species' palate), it seems that this racialized body rejects all chicken that is not fried. Though cookouts are common to his kind (the white species often refer to this activity as "grilling out"), our nig proves himself a novice, and becomes ill after partaking of some of his half-cooked food. His sickness calls for an immediate evacuation of the campsite. And, as always, ghettois diva is there to drive him home.

TO REVIEW

1. "3 generations of Browns" take 1: Despite the desire to carve out male spaces, it seems that black masculinity is necessarily contingent upon the presence of (a version of) black femininity.
2. "3 generations of Browns" take 2: When Bobby Brown comments that his father, his son and he all make three generations of Browns together, and that this moment is therefore special, we believe he's referring to the past, present, and future of alcoholism.
3. Just when the black female gives the male his dick back, a white dude is there to take it away.
4. Even in the woods, with no one of significance around for miles, Bobbi Kris still hates and is embarrassed by her parents.
5. Crack, when taken by Whitney Houston, is an aphrodisiac. Alcohol, when drunk in scores by Bobby Brown however, isn't.

By Summer M. (Fort Wayne's Own Fecundmellow)

The International Perspective (Der Deutsch dieser Arsch!)

Der Neger ist ubergeschnappt (The nigger is crazy). Seine Ehefrau ist geile (His wife is horny). Seine Tochter ist dicke (His daughter is fat). Und sein sohn ist hasslich (And his son is ugly). Verdammt (Damn)! Kann die Kacke werden jeder schlecter (Can the shit get any worse)?

Bei Des International Hassers (the interstate hater)